President Donald J. Trump has declared victory at the Chamber of Commerce Golf Tournament on August 1 in Onawa, Iowa.
"There's never been a round like this before in history!" declared the President. "Nobody's ever seen anything like it before!"
The President continued, "The early reports of some Minnihan group winning were fake, and I've directed Homeland Security to seize those scorecards and deport them!"
Trump has also ordered the immediate firing of the leader of
the local Chamber of Commerce, while announcing "Join me for Chamber
Coffee this Friday at Mar-a-lago!"
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